Why is sex is like software? For every one who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free. Cadbury's and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major Drug store chains and Asda's Pharmacies. They're going to be called... "Pre-d**k-a-mints.

" Lola is on the phone, "Hello? Pizza Shack? Do you have anything on special?" From the other end of the line comes, "Yeah, our veggie haters delight. It has twelve kinds of meat and five different cheeses. Lola asks, "Does anything come with that?" "A coupon for Weight Watchers." I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news.

He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?" Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked. Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months." "Oh, I'm sorry, " I said, "those lesson plans were covered in the grant." I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset. Rumination of the Day Market research shows that Americans tell lies an average of 4 times per day.

Actually, I just made that up. One down, three to go! I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own.

With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before." I whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?" His response: "No more old flames?" President Bush lit the candles on the White House menorah. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw the menorah and said "Cool, a flaming rake.

" Conan O'Brien What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

The proctologist called...

they found your head. There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?" "Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature." "Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up. "Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady, " he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these.

" And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door. One day a woman was frustrated because she couldn't get any men to become attracted to her. Finally after some inner debate she went to seek the advice of a sex doctor.

She heard of a new practice that an oriental man was opening up and supposedly he was never wrong and helped all. She decided to make an appointment and go see him.

The next day, she went to see him and when he walked in he said, "What seems to be the ploblem?" The lady said, "Well, you see doctor, I can't get any men to find me attractive and I don't know or understand why, and I heard about you and hoped you could help me." The doctor looked at her after writing a few things down and said, "Ok, take off all your crows." The lady thought it was a little strange, but did it anyway. Then the doctor said "Now, clawl back and foth acloss the loom on your hands and knees." The woman did as told and then the doctor said, "Just as I thought.

" The woman stood up and asked, "Well doctor do you know what it is and can you help me?" The doctor told her, "Yes, I'm aflaid it's velly selious." The woman gasped and asked, "What is it doctor, and can it be cured?" The doctor replied sadly, "You have a selious ploblem, wolst case I ever see. You have a case of the Ed Zachary Disease and no way to fix.

" The woman asked him, "Doctor, what is the Ed Zachary Disease?" The doctor sat down and looked her in the eyes and told her, "Ed Zachary Disease is the disease when your head looks Ed Zachary like your ass." Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. Daughter: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...

they kiss and hug and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled. That means the daddy puts his p***s in the mommy's v****a. That's how you get a baby, honey. Daughter: Oh I see - but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's p***s in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewelry, dear.